Homeless again... sort of..

 December 25th. Everyone else is enjoying their Christmas. All my stuff was boxed up yesterday I'm in my car with a suitcase. Well technically tomorrow starts the day that I'm not allowed to go to my own house from December 26th to December 31st I'm working today until tomorrow morning so when I get off work tomorrow I will officially be semi homeless. I hope that I'll find somebody who will allow me to sleep on their couch or borrow their spare bedroom for this week at this time no such luck. Not a good feeling to be without a bed to sleep in our roof over your head. I always talk about November and December being the months that are always horrible for me and this year proves no different. Not only if I put out of the only place I have to sleep but I'm again alone and single. Sometimes I wonder what I did wrong in this life that life continues to be a struggle or what did I do that was so bad in my last life that this life I have to struggle. You know I was raised by my dad with my twin sister and they're both gone my dad passed away in 2003 my sister in 1998 I'm just tired of being alone. And no I am not suicidal, yes I know a week ago I had made plans and was intent on killing myself, but not today. I want to see my former partner again although he's upset with me over my attempted suicide and while he doesn't want to talk to me he's the reason why I won't kill myself. But sometimes I do Wonder what the purpose is. You know as I sit here at work while everyone else is enjoying their Christmas and while tomorrow people will go back to work or continue There family celebrations I'll be looking for some place to park my car and sleep and Hope that my car doesn't get broken into hope that don't get robbed I hope the cops don't toss my car. But I have to fight to stay alive that maybe one day Dylan will forgive me I know that it will never be the same I know I f***** that up maybe small piece in his life. I really don't know what to do never thought I'd be homeless in Arizona of course I never thought I would lose Dylan either. I don't know how well this block is working I don't know if it's giving me any insight into myself but it's what the therapist recommended that I blog or Journal and if I write it down I'll throw it away so I'll do it here maybe somebody else will read it maybe it'll help them I don't know I just don't know anymore but I'm going to live I'm going to push forward I try to find a place to sleep this week hopefully I'm not going to go home on the 31st and find the locks changed and my stuff waiting on the porch for me and hopefully I can get a good paying full-time job and not this part-time minimum wage stuff that I've been doing the past couple weeks since I got laid off. If you read this thank you for reading it if you feel that you need to leave a comment whether it's good or bad please do so. I hope that your day is going well I hope that your holidays are going well I hope that your relationships are going well. Don't be scared to express your emotions don't be scared to engage your partner and give them their wants and their needs don't fear that you're going to get hurt because I did I had that fear and that fear will stop me from fully engaging with Dylan is why I lost him and when I was too late and I realized that I didn't give a s*** if I got hurt I already lost him and then I got hurt. I love you Dylan I always will I hope that one day you can forgive me and allow me in back into your life in any which way that you feel is okay for you. Well I'm going to end this blog and I'm going to copy and paste it to my other blog so then in case I lose one I'll have the other one and who knows maybe one day somebody will read this and it'll help them in their relationship it'll help them in their life maybe it'll help them get through their despair their depression or they're sadness. And I hope that I'll be able to come back and read this and it'll help me be a better me.