Depressed, Lonely and in Dispair.

 Sitting here in my car. It is hitting harder every day. I feel like I am suffocating and I can't breath. As if I have fallen into the ocean and the current is pulling me deeper and the waves are splashing and downing me.

I don't know if i will be sleeping on the streets January 1st. I will have not job on January 2nd. I don't have anyone to hold me or to love me. My family has abandoned me. The one who I love won't talk to me. 

How can it all come crashing down so fast. It wasn't great but I had a good job, I lived in a decent house, I had a wonderful who I loved... even if I wasn't able to fully show it... 

Now... I have nothing.  Nothing to give hope or promise of a better tomorrow. I was once so content and comfortable.  I had the man of my dreams and I allowed my own fears to push him away. 

This fucking blog was supposed to be therapy. Fucking therapist was a waste of time and money. All this blog has done is cause me more pain and more suffering. Brought back sadness with Merrick and anger with noth Phil and Lilith.  Is has strengthened the sadness and depression from losing the love of my life, Dylan. It brings up the disappointment on ruining my new friendship with Baddie.

What was this blog supposed to do? Humiliate me for not being able to have a froend or a lover. Is it supposed to document for others to mock that I am now homeless and unemployed. 

What is the point. This seems like therapeutic quackery.

Life is spiraling. I think it may be time to end it.

 Since December 25 I have been sleeping in my car. The only thing I had that was keeping me going was that I had a job. Today, I was advised that this weekend will be my last. That I was not to return on the second. Saturday and Sunday will be my last shifts.

I really see no reason to continue. My Partner, Dylan, has left me. I was on the way to kill myself when a meeting with a new friend stopped me. The warmth and happiness that this friend, Baddie, gave me the hope I needed not to kill myself that night. Unfortunately the pain I had from Dylan leaving me and the pain I was still feeling from Merrick abandoning was to much for Baddie and he decided to end our friendship. 

The only thing that kept me motivated to stay alive was that Dylan was on my employre healthcare and that I could show my love ny providing the one thing for him, health insurance. but now... I don't have any work. so sleeping in my car so I could get to work the next day to provide the health insurance to the man I love.. now no longer exists. 

There really is no reason to not end it after I get paid next week. I can send that money from my check to Dylan. I can leave this world knowing I gave him everything of mine.

 

#FTM, #Queer, #LGBT, #LGBTQIA, #Transgender, #Adam Kratt, #Dylan Sarette, #Phoenix, #Arizona, #BDSM, #Leatherman,

Everywhere I look i see two people....

8

 I don't know if I'm just pathetic or a piece of shit. But everywhere I look I see one of two people either I see Ukao or I see Temprace. Why is it two people I've loved in Arizona now don't want fucking thing with me. Am I really that bad of a person that neither okay or temperance won't even consider me. I mean I know I'm a piece of shit. Hell everywhere I look I remember times with temperance or with hookah. I love them both different ways. I loved temperance as my beloved slave and partner. I loved okay with total heart and soul and devotion but I failed both. The fact that both okay and temperance want nothing new with me should be a wake up call. Do I suck up the oxygen with good people when I am a horrible selfish abusive person. Both okay and tempers relied upon me to be a master character and I failed both of them. I wish I could get one person to kill me. Because I'm too chicken to actually take my life. Yeah I'm a leather master and BDSM master I've been presenting my cover I wear my hat with pride but at the end of the day temperance and ukai I failed them. Because I'm too chicken I wish I could get someone to take me out because I know as long as I breathe I will forever wish and want a relationship most importantly with okay but also with Deborah's but I've shown and I'm not worthy of those two. Hey look at me a master working part time 20 hours a week at 14 dollars. Who am I trying to kid I'm not worthy of either two okay called me pathetic and he's right. I would do anything anything to be with him I would give up my cap I'll put his collar on my neck I meant one day with him. I'm such a horrible man that okay want nothing to do with me. I would kill myself but that would hurt okay more than is solved my problems. He told me that I made him feel unworthy when the truth is I was Unworthy of him. Without ukai I'm nobody and nobody. Hopefully okay we'll find a better man than I could ever dream of being. The best I can do for ukai is to give him my health insurance as I am a homeless fucking bum.. the thing I thought I was Worthy of okay when at the end of the day he was always more Worthy and better than me.

You know I've been in Arizona for 2 years. The first year was with tempers the second year was with ukai. I wish there was somebody was willing to remove me from this Earth so that temperance and okay we free from my failure

Homeless, damn Phoenix turn on the heater

 Well, this is my second night out in the cold... First night homeless, even if temporary. Last night i worked all night at the construction site... and it was cold. Tonight back in the car... not working... just no place to sleep... my roommated put me out, it is their house, Supposedly this is just a week but my fears are when I get back the locks will be changed. I was supposed to stay with a friend but he isn't answering his phone now.

So why was I put out for a week... their kids are in town for the week between Christmas and New Years. Why am I worried that the locks may be changed when the week is over. Well, a few months couple months ago... I brought my partner home to spend a weekend with me. previous to this my roommates were very friendly always asking me to bring a friend or who I was dating over for Thanksgiving, Passover etc etc.. I never did... well I can tell you... I didn't get the invitation this year to bring my partner to thanksgiving, which occured after I brought my past partner home and if fact they made it a point to say they didn't want me bringing people over to stay...

What changed you ask... who they thought my partner was. Previously they had only met one person and that was an accident. they were supposed to be out of town and a friend of mine was over, purely platonic as she is 100% Lesbian, when they came home. It was a brief conversation and me and my friend left. That is the only friend of mine they had met and she is stunning, but a Lesbian. Although we never talked about it, I think they assumed that was my partner. I say this because their whole demeanor changed when they actually met my former partner who is a FTM Transgender. My roommates attitude visibly chilled toward me and there was a conversation about how I might be happier living elsewhere....

so yes... my fear us the "I need your room for our kids" was a ploy to get me out of the house.

We shall see... but until then car living is my life except for the days when a friend is kind enough to loan me their couch.

Homeless again... sort of..

 December 25th. Everyone else is enjoying their Christmas. All my stuff was boxed up yesterday I'm in my car with a suitcase. Well technically tomorrow starts the day that I'm not allowed to go to my own house from December 26th to December 31st I'm working today until tomorrow morning so when I get off work tomorrow I will officially be semi homeless. I hope that I'll find somebody who will allow me to sleep on their couch or borrow their spare bedroom for this week at this time no such luck. Not a good feeling to be without a bed to sleep in our roof over your head. I always talk about November and December being the months that are always horrible for me and this year proves no different. Not only if I put out of the only place I have to sleep but I'm again alone and single. Sometimes I wonder what I did wrong in this life that life continues to be a struggle or what did I do that was so bad in my last life that this life I have to struggle. You know I was raised by my dad with my twin sister and they're both gone my dad passed away in 2003 my sister in 1998 I'm just tired of being alone. And no I am not suicidal, yes I know a week ago I had made plans and was intent on killing myself, but not today. I want to see my former partner again although he's upset with me over my attempted suicide and while he doesn't want to talk to me he's the reason why I won't kill myself. But sometimes I do Wonder what the purpose is. You know as I sit here at work while everyone else is enjoying their Christmas and while tomorrow people will go back to work or continue There family celebrations I'll be looking for some place to park my car and sleep and Hope that my car doesn't get broken into hope that don't get robbed I hope the cops don't toss my car. But I have to fight to stay alive that maybe one day Dylan will forgive me I know that it will never be the same I know I f***** that up maybe small piece in his life. I really don't know what to do never thought I'd be homeless in Arizona of course I never thought I would lose Dylan either. I don't know how well this block is working I don't know if it's giving me any insight into myself but it's what the therapist recommended that I blog or Journal and if I write it down I'll throw it away so I'll do it here maybe somebody else will read it maybe it'll help them I don't know I just don't know anymore but I'm going to live I'm going to push forward I try to find a place to sleep this week hopefully I'm not going to go home on the 31st and find the locks changed and my stuff waiting on the porch for me and hopefully I can get a good paying full-time job and not this part-time minimum wage stuff that I've been doing the past couple weeks since I got laid off. If you read this thank you for reading it if you feel that you need to leave a comment whether it's good or bad please do so. I hope that your day is going well I hope that your holidays are going well I hope that your relationships are going well. Don't be scared to express your emotions don't be scared to engage your partner and give them their wants and their needs don't fear that you're going to get hurt because I did I had that fear and that fear will stop me from fully engaging with Dylan is why I lost him and when I was too late and I realized that I didn't give a s*** if I got hurt I already lost him and then I got hurt. I love you Dylan I always will I hope that one day you can forgive me and allow me in back into your life in any which way that you feel is okay for you. Well I'm going to end this blog and I'm going to copy and paste it to my other blog so then in case I lose one I'll have the other one and who knows maybe one day somebody will read this and it'll help them in their relationship it'll help them in their life maybe it'll help them get through their despair their depression or they're sadness. And I hope that I'll be able to come back and read this and it'll help me be a better me.

Deeply Depressed and Anxiety is high

 As I sit her. Dec 23rd 2023. My anxiety is pumping through my body, in two days for at least a week I will have no roof over my head. My roommates kids are coming and I have been put out of the house from  December  26th until December 31st.  That and the combined depression Because Dylan won't even respond or talk to me. It is my fault. in ny dispair it was I who was goong to take my own life. I am miserable without him. I wish I knew now what I should have know 2 months ago... four months ago. I allowed the best thing in my life, Dylan, to lose interest in me. I am so lonely now. I love Dylan so much. I wish I knew how to rekindle a spark in him for me. I  hope one day he can forgive me. I am in such turmoil now. I feel like I am suffocating.  

Extreme Anxiety: life feels like it is spiraling

 it is December 21.. on December 26 I have to leave my residence until December 31. for more than half that time i have no place to sleep. still can't find a full time job. my care payment is technically now over due and I have no way to get caught up in the near future. the man I love still won't talk to me. I don't know what I am going to do.

#anxiety, #anxious, #worried, #scared, #Adam Kratt,

Phil, I allowed you into my family and you destroyed it.

 Phil, I have thought long and hard about what I wanted to say to you. i still haven't fully formed what I want to say. Temprace approached me and asked if I would consider being your Dom. My first thought was. not really. I have never wanted to be involved in anything poly. When I thought about it again. I realized that Merrick needed a nottom. Part of Merrick and my dynamic was to train him to be a Top.  I thought you would ne a good addition and you agreed to that arrangement. 

Little did I know that you would slowly begin to replace me. That my submissives opinion would begin to undermine my authority over my slave. I let it go... because Temprace had his bottom to play with. You wanted to become a Bootblack and I trained you.  While I trusted you you slowly erroded and destroyed  the relationshio that Temprace and I had built. Then you took Temprace away. I was hurt by you and I am still angry. Not only am I angry that you turned Merrick against me but that you had no remorse doing it. I am also angry that your betrayal hurt me and caused me such pain that when I found my true love. I had suvh fear that I held nack and didn't give him all of me... because I didn't want to get hurt again. I realized to late that Dylan was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my likfe with. 

Phil. I am waiting for the universe and karma to pay you a visit.

#Phil, #Phillabuster, #Phoenix, #submissive, Phoenix, #Master,

Temprace: You hurt me. I am no longer upset but I am still in pain.

 Merrick, It still hurts how in less than a span of 8 hours that you went from planning a fire play scene with me to telling me you no longer wanted to be my slave and in a relationship with me. It hurt that you would do it at night at a resturant where we sat down and had many intimate conversations and were making long term relationships.  It hurt that you ghosted me and never sat down with me and had that conversation we agreed to in the beginning of our relationship.  It even hurt worse that you promised we would always be friends.

Because of how you ditched me at night and ghosted me I was afraid to fully gove myself in my next relationship with Dylan /Ukai. You and I, while not as emotionally deep and commited as my relationship was with Dylan ut was something special to me. Was that your plan from the day that you asked me to bring Phil into our relationship?

I am hurt that our friendship and relationship meant so little to you that you could ghost me and pretend like we didn't even know each other. I am hurt that the pain you caused to me seems to be so insignificant and yes I am still a bit angry, not that you left me, but that it effected to the extent that if it damaged my next relationship. 

#Merrick, #Temprace, #Adam Kratt, #Master, #slave, #Bootblack, #Puppy, #Ghosting

Homeless; The horizon approaches.

 As the day approaches that I fear, that once again I will be homeless. Tes it is not the first time. I was homeless twice before. Once when I was in college. Luckily I was in Los Angeles. Where I could go to class during the day and like many other students take naps in the student center and no body was the wiser. At night there was a bus that had a route that was just around 3 hours in length. It started on Pasadena and went into Hollywood and then down to South Los Angeles. with a bus pass one could ride that nus from one end of the route and get 3 hours sleep. then catch the return route and get another 3 hours sleep. Even today that sleep patern exists with my average daily sleep being between three and four hours. I remember those days with stark memories of being beaten and robbed multiple times on the layover in South Los Angeles waiting for the driver to take his break and turn around for the return leg.

My second time experiencing homelessness wasn't as bad. I had a car to sleep in and I maintained a job. There was a different enemy then the first time. The first time it was South Los Angeles gang members and other homeless. The second time it was sadistic cops who found pleasure in waking me up pulling me out of the car and then throwing everything I owned onto the street while forcing me to sit on the curb and watch. Occassionally they would find some stupid reason to take me to jail, just for the night. No charges filed... and impound my car. I would have to use evey penny I had saved to get my car out of impound.

Today I face a similar fate. Once again I am looking in the face of being homeless. This time while I do have a car... my car is dying. It is leakong oil as fast as I can put new oil into it. I still owe $19,000 on the car loan and am struggling to keep the payments current.

Why am I facing homelessness? Because I dared to love a Trangender person. a Transmasculine AFAB FTM. Because I loved Dylan Sarette. I married him. While we lived separately mostly Because he worked in the East Valley and I worked in the West Valley and we never found a place or had the money to get a place. My roommates could not handle be bringing my transgender partner and love over for the weekend and have been trying to force me out for the past few months. Now that my employment situation has deteriorated they may be able to get me out. I have no place to go, no money to get a new place.

Hopefully I will find my way. My future looks bleak The stress and worry have affected me. At this time when my life looks hopeless, I am once again alone. My fear and my dispair pushed my beloved partner and other friends away. 

I hope that there is a light at the end of this tunnel.

#AdamKratt #Homeless #Arizona #FTM #Transgender #queer #LGBT #Dylan #Sarette #Kratt #Adam #Jewish #Dispair #Fear #Depression #love #kink

Wedding ring isn't going anywhere... Not as if I wanted it to...

 A few days ago I was working on my 1997 Cadillac and was replacing the battery. The battery has side mounts instead of top posts. While tightening the positive connection the socket wrench touched my wedding ring at the same time my wedding ring touched theyhe engine... lets say the arch heated my wedding ring and caused a sever burn and finger swelling... today as I look at it... I am hoping it heals.

#AdamKratt #Homeless #Arizona #FTM #Transgender #queer #LGBT #Dylan #Sarette #Kratt #Adam #Jewish #Dispair #Fear #Depression #love #kink

Financial Desolation!!!

 I was supposed to be making $24 an hour operating a forklift right now. Instead I am now making $15 an hour at 20 hours a week at one Temp job and $15 an hour at a day labor job for 8 hours a week. combined with the $100 a week from giving plasma and the on average $10 a week doing online surveys.

While at the same time. I have a $300 car payment every two weeks, a $220 auto insurance payment every month, with a $120 a week health insurance bill beginning January 1st 2024, not to mention my $50 monthly cell phone bill combined with my $600 rent.

Which means.... I will have $580 a week Before Taxes ($170 on average Fed/state/SS/) which comes to about $410 take home... which ads up to $1640 monthly income with a $1450 minimum monthly expenses not counting other necessities like food and gas.

I do not know how.... I will do it....

#AdamKratt #Homeless #Arizona #FTM #Transgender #queer #LGBT #Dylan #Sarette #Kratt #Adam #Jewish #Dispair #Fear #Depression #love #kink

Relationships; at 51 still an amateur...

 Sitting here realizing that in 51 years I have only been in four romantic relationships.

My first one when I was 16 and he was 32. Perry, how I have missed you. Perry was a dashing and handsome Vietnamese Leatherman. It was a wonderful relationship that lasted four years. Who knows how long it would have lasted. Unfortunately that relationship began in the late 80s at the height of the AIDS epidemic when infection was almost a guaranteed death sentence. Perry was not spared. His immune system became so compromised that some exotic disease that so rare the doctors had no treatment for it. Fortunately for me I was not infected and over 30 years later I am still HIV negative. From Perry I got my introduction into the Leather Community where I proudly today still live a leather lifestyle and am a member of the Arizona Men of Leather. 

The second and only Cis Woman was Barb, I was 27 and she was 30. A beautiful woman of color with dark mahogany skin and short blond hair.  She introduced me to Kink and BDSM. I was her partner and slave for 4 wonderful years. Today I wonder if that relationship could have lasted the test of time if it had just been Her, me and her 2 wonderful daughters who were like my kids. Unfortunately for me, Missouri hadn't at least not in the late 90s early 2000s wasn't so forward thinking. Her family wasn't ready for a white guy to join the family and made hell for her and I. The strain on our relation from the opposition to an interracial relationship from her family proved to much. 

Fast forward to 2022, I meet a wonderful transman. I am a Leather Master into kink and BDSM and Temprace is a young, 23 year old interested in BDSM and Leather. We met and originally started out as Mentor and mentee. Our dynamic becan as Dominant and submissive. I would teach him about D/s and teach him how to be a BDSM top as he was more switch than submissive. That relationship went from Dom/sub and Mentor/mentee to Master/slave and a romantic partnership. Then entered Phil a submissive who Temprace wanted to be a play top with. Phil would be my submissive while being Temprace's play bottom. Didn't quite work out that way a few months later Temprace and Phil ghosted me and began their own relationship.

My fourth and most recent relationship... the one that captured my soul and my heart was Dylan a transmasc sexy and adorable Korean boy. I have no one to blame for losing this relationship.  There was no HIV. There was no racist family. There was no third person influence.  I was me, and me. I was so hurt from Temprace that I was scared to fully commit to Dylan until it was too late. I realized to late that I needed him in my life and that I loved him more than anything. He is worthy of the best in life. I should have given him all of my love and devotion. 

To be honest... I don't know how to be in a relationship. I wish I did. because I ruined the best relationship with the best person I could have ever met. I hope one day Dylan will forgive me.

#AdamKratt #Homeless #Arizona #FTM #Transgender #queer #LGBT #Dylan #Sarette #Kratt #Adam #Jewish #Dispair #Fear #Depression #love #kink

Dylan; I am sorry, please forgive me. I Love You, Babe

 Where do I begin? When I first met you at that Coffee Shop in Glendale in Februaryof 2022. I had an instant connection with you. I knew I wanted to be in your life. I was beyond happiness a year later in February of 2023 when we met again in February of 2023 at Little Saigon Resturant in Glendale. I traveled from Buckeye and you from Chandler. When we left that resturant I was elated. You were going to give me a chance. 

I should have immediately severed all ties with Lilith and Lynx and focused totally on you. After both Temprace and Phil ditched me in January I was to stupid and feared that you and I wouldn't work out. It was the first of many mistakes. You were my priority and I failed to act on that. The happiest day in my life was the day we married. I know it was more for practical reason for health insurance. But for me... our marriage was glorious even if it was just you and I with Evelyn officiating and Novah and Lizzie as our witnesses.  

By that time you owned my heart and my soul. I was 100% in love with you. I would have and still would today do anything to see you smile, to hear your voice and feel your kiss.

I am sorry for lacking as a partner. For allowing my fear of giving 101% for fear of rejection. If I could do it all over again.

I ask for your forgiveness for causing you pain. I apologize for my fears and past traumas holding me back. 

You young man are worthy. You young man are the greatest thing to ever be apart of my life. I hope that I have not totally lost you and that one day you will allow me, as. a friend, as a play partner... as... what ever you define it. 

#AdamKratt #Homeless #Arizona #FTM #Transgender #queer #LGBT #Dylan #Sarette #Kratt #Adam #Jewish #Dispair #Fear #Depression #love #kink

Introducing Adam

 Good morning. My name is Adam Kratt. I am a 51 year old Queer Leatherman living in Arizona. I am married to Dylan a 25 year old Transman. I am originally from Los Angeles, California. He is originally from South Korea. 

I am starting this blog at the suggestion of my Therapist. I haven't ben in Therapy since I was a child  ad was on Ritalin for ADHD. I have alot of built up trauma and carry alot of scars and baggage with me. My Therapist thinks that this will help and since I do not have insurance yet and am financially not doing to well and am underemployed she said that by using this blog she can read about me and what is going on.

So why am I now at 51 in therapy.  My husband Dylan has been trying to get me into therapy for months and I kept brushing it off. My relationship with Dylan, if there is anything to salvage, is damaged and wreaked.  A few days ago I was going to kill myself. I had it all planned and was on my way to do it. I would have done it if not for one friend, Baddie. I had promised Baddie something and was meeting them for coffee. The conversation with Baddie inspired me to live. My well laid out plan went to shit. Damage was done though. I had made social media posts. Friends were calling me, my husband and the police. I hurt and pained Dylan and probably destroyed any chance I had of any type of relationship surviving. The days following.. my self pity probably ruined my friendship with Baddie, only time will tell.

#AdamKratt #Homeless #Arizona #FTM #Transgender #queer #LGBT #Dylan #Sarette #Kratt #Adam #Jewish #Dispair #Fear #Depression #love #kink #Leatherman