I was going to wait until Rosh Chodesh Adar I to end my life. I was hoping that I could suffer the pain and agony long enough to be able to talk to if not see my friend Baddie. In December I was on my way to kill myself but I had made a promise to Baddie that I had a taxidermy skull for him for his collection. By keeping that promise we met for coffee and his kindness and his energy gave me hope enough to live. My depression at the time was to much for him. He didn't want to keep in contact with me. We agreed if I got counseling I could contact him in February. I was hoping to be able to speak with him and hopefully meet for coffee. I went to counseling according to the counselor I was depressed and that writing a journal would help. They were supposed to read it and get back to me. I haven't heard from them besides the first few telesessions and they haven't been available when I have tried to contact them. To be honest. I don't think I will be making it to February. Right now Rosh Chodesh Shevat, January's New Moon is looking very enticing of a day to end it.
I am sorry to everyone that I am to weak and to pathetic to survive. Only one person could save me. That one person is my beloved Dylan. Unfortunately today Dylan hates me. He will not text, take calls or anything and he has blocked me on social media.
Dylan, you have captured my heart and have ownership of my soul. I can not live without you.
I wish you the most happiest life. I hope that you can find someone who is worthy of you. I will have to take my life rather than live without you. You took my power. With you I became powerless.
I love you Dylan. I have loved you with all of my heart. More than I have ever loved anyone. It is true that I haven't loved many people in my life. But of those I have loved, I loved you the most. I wish that you could find it in your heart to forgive me.
It is time for me to go. I am no longer of any benefit to anyone. One of the others that I loved, Merrick, won't even talk to me. Others I at one time cared about, like Phil and Lynx also want nothing to do with me.
I am sure that some shrink could mouth salad a way to try to convince me it isn't my fault. It is. even if Merrick and Phil would never tell and shut me out and ghosted me. Even though I promised Dylan if he would give me a chance I would work harder to make him happy he ultimately Ghosted me too.
There is nothing to look forward to. Rosh Chodesh Shevat is looking very inticing as the day to end my life. I will try to make it to Rosh Chodesh Adar 1. Perhaps something before that date will give me a reason to live.. but for now Rosh Chodesh Adar1 in February is the end of the line. But... Maybe I will chose to hit the emergency stop button on January's New Moon.
I am so worthless and pathetic.
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