altar is growing

 

Adultery is a crime in Arizona..

 Who knew that adultery is actually still a criminal offense in the State of Arizona.  It js a misdemeanor and the adulterer can get 30 days in jail and probation. I wonder if Sasha Sioni has ever wondered how it woukd feek to be criminally charged and locked up for having sex with another man's spouse...

Beginnings of a working Altar

 Beggining to see my Altar come together.

Si'lat, I owe you an apology

 Si'lat, when Dylan made those accusations.  I am sorry that I didn't belueve you when you denied them. I loved him and though he was being truthful.  As I see his current lies and false accusations I understand that he has been lying all along. I hope that you can forgive me.

Life is Good. working again

 Working again is great. It feels good to be productive once again. I am settling into being single once again. With the time that I have had and the contemplation that goes with that. I know I will miss Dylan, hopefully he will be happy.  I also came to realize how much I miss Merrick.  

It is time to look forward.While I had wonderful times with both Merrick and Dylan they have moved on in their lives. 

I came to Arizona to build a new life and I did that while having two great, in my opinion, relationships with two wonderful people. 

Both Merrick and Dylan made great impacts in my life. Mostly positive some negative.  But I greatly appreciate the relationships they offered me. 

Who knows what life will bring. 

Dylan Sarette, this is not good bye.

 Dylan, my love. I am saddened that our relationship and our marriage could not have ended as friends.

Dylan, I want you to know that I will always be here and available for you. It doesn't matter if it is day or night 2am or 2pm. I am only a phone call away. 

I hope that one day you will find this message. If you ever need me, I will be there. I have had this number for since 2001 and I have no plans to change it. I have had my ymail email for sunce 2001 and have no plans on changing it. 

Dylan, I am still in love with you! I will probably always be in love with you. 

Thank you for the wonderful memories.  I am sorry and apologize to you for not being the best husband and the best parner. I do hope that one day you will be able to forgive me and we can be friends again.

Love Always,

Adam.

Ready for work in the morning.

 Finally employed. Ready to start my new shift in the morning. Not the job I wanted nor the pay I wanted. At this time though... as the saying goes.. beggars can't be choosers.  

Finally Employed!

 Start a new job Monday. The pay is a lot less than I was making before but it is steady work for now until I can find something better. This week was a challenge though. wasn't able to pick up any day labor shifts. Thankfully there are ramen noodles otherwise I wouldn't have eaten this week. It is surprising that 1 ramen in the morning and 1 ramen in the evening can sustain someone. I will actually be able to have something to drink today besides water. After my plasma donation today, I will get $40, I am going to get a burger and a coffee, real food and a drink, and not a ramen and a water.

Being homeless and unemployed is a real struggle. Thankfully starting Monday I will have a job. Now... just got to focus on trying to find a place to sleep, sleeping in a reclined seat in your car gets old.

Wolf Moon tonight. Reminds me of Merrick

 Tonight is the first full moon of 2024 (Jan 25th) It reminds me of Temprace (Merrick). This is his night. His spirit animal is the wolf. I remember when we were together and we visited a metaphysical crystal store. There was a framed wolf spirit prayer.  Something called to me to get ut for him. I wasn't getting paid until the next day. I had just enough money to buy us dinner and to purchase that framed prayer. 

I remember his reaction. I miss Merrick. Merrick is such a pure soul. it was an honor to be his friend and to be his partner for the time that he allowed me in his life. I cherish the great memories he and I had. I have many sleepless nights wondering if he hates me or even even thinks of me 

I love you Merrick

Building the panteon of my craft.

 As I continue to develop and strengthen my witchcraft.  I want to continue to build my pantheon. I began with Aphroditus and then added Lakapati and then Hapi. Doing my reaearch I cane across another Goddess, Xochiquetzal, from pre European invasion of the Americas. The Aztecs worshiped a deity, Xochiquetzal, who was the goddess of non-procreative sexuality and love, and both female and male at the same time. In her male aspect, called Xochipilli, was worshiped as the deity of male homosexuality. 

My goal has been and will continue to be diverse and Queer. Aphroditus is from Cyprus, Lakapati from the Philippines, Hapi from Egypt and Xochiquetzal from Mexico. All three are depicted as both female and male and all four have been identified as either transgender or hermaphrodites. 

My goal is to not worship them as I am not a pagan, but to use their energy and what they represent to empower my witchcraft and magick.

Building my Craft and my own pantheon

 While Exploring my path and journey in witchcraft and magick I have already chosen Aphroditus and Hapi. My goal is to build a diverse pantheon while staying true to my goal.

In my research I found Lakapati from the Philippines.  Lakapati is the Harvest and Firtility Goddess in the Philippines.  she is dipicted with both female and male genitals and is given both male and female attributes.

traveling within witchcraft

Hapi my new addition to my magickal pantheon with Aphroditus.

 So previously I identified the transgender diety Aphrotidus the Greek FTM Diety as one of my energy and power sources for my Magick and Witchcraft.  I have decided on another Hapi from Egyptian mythology who is depicted as a male with with breasts. As I journey as a witch I am gathering a pantheon of dieties that are within the broader T classifications whether FTM (Goddesses that became male) or MTF (Gods that became female) or Dieties that were both or agender.

Most witches focus on gender specific dieties in their withcraft. I do not want to travel down that road. My introduction to withcraft was mainly from two partners, Dylan (Ukai) and Merrick (Temprace) both of which were Trangender.  In honor and love to those two beloved people. who made the most impact in my life.

I also like that in my own religion and culture God has no gender. while normally we refer to God as Adonai (Lord) and Melech (King) and Avinu (our fathe

r) God has no gender. Two names or titles for God are distinctively feminine. Both Shaddai and Shechinah are the feminine divine.  

Living on the street, homeless and without a job.

 Life is getting harder on the streets especially with no job. I was able to eat yesterday morning. I don't think I will get anything to eat today. With that said life is good. my car even with the massive oil leak is still running. My to big dream is that I can some how sit down and speak with Dylan (Ukai) and make peace with him and secondly to sit down with Merick (Temprace) and make peace with him... then my wish is to get a job and a place to sleep.

Health is improving...

 Today I am at 192 lbs, BP is at 112/72 with my heart at 82 bpm

a lot better then the beginning of December at 225 lbs, BP at 132/90 with my heart at 126 bpm...

I don't know what I am going to do...

 I wasn't able to get a day labor job today. I have a quarter tank of gas, 1 quart of oil, and 1 dollar to my name. 

Homeless and unemployed. not enough gas to get anywhere to get food for the day. 

Surprisingly... I am not depressed nor in dispair.  Since I have embraced witchcraft and the way of magick I have had no thoughts of self harm while my situation hasn't changed.

Now instead of being a homeless, unemployed Jewish Queer Cis Gay Man... I am a Homeless, Unemployed, Jewish, Queer, Cis Gay male witch... 

I still miss my husband Dylan, a Transmale witch. I hope and pray that his life is successful and that he is prosperous.  I hope that one day he will forgive me for my emotional shortcomings. 

I still miss Merrick, my former lover before Dylan, who i know is happily living his life with Phil. I wish both of them Happiness and success.

I am just reaching out to the universe... asking for help... to help me find a job and a place to lay my head and some food to sustain myself.

I am at a loss. I loved all my last partners from Dylan, Phil, Merrick, Lilith to Lynx. I never physically abused them. I know that emotionally I failed. Ir wasn't because I was indifferent it was because I was struggling inside from fear of inadequacy.

I am sorry that I failed all of you. Is this my punishment? 

Life's struggle continues

Being homeless while being unemployed really sucks. I never really understood. I have been homeless before, but I was employed,  I was still able to get food and once in a while get a motel room for a shower and rest.  Being unemployed and homeless at the same time is a challenge. Combine that with the30 to 40 degree nights here in Arizona. 

I hope that a job comes along so that at least I can get some food and buy a shower at a truck stop.

One if my biggest challenges is that to go out and look for a job means I usually miss when most places serve a free meal and the couple times i got a job from one of the day labor places I had to forgo a meal so that I could try to get to the job while a few of the jobs refused me, being homeless it is hard to get a shower or get your clothing washed.

I hope I get a job soon.  I hope I can get a hot meal soon. i hope I can get a shower soon. I hope I can get a warm bed for at least one night soon. 

Somehow I feel I am getting punished for something... just wish I knew for what.

I hope that Dylan is doing well and that he will find it in his heart to forgive me one day. I am sorry Dylan for not being fully emotionally available during our relationship. I was still mourning my sisters death and I was still healing from Merrick leaving me. I am sorry I tried to kill myself. Please forgive me. I love him and I fear that he hates me and will never forgive me.

Wish we had explored together..

 It has been amazing to see and feel how witchcraft and magic has made a difference for me. I wish that I had started this journey before. With both My last partner, Dylan, being a practicing witch and with previous one, Merrick,  also practicing magic... makes one wonder if we had studied and practiced magic together would be have grown closer.

I will probably never know as both of them have decided cut me from their lives.

I will say that the craft has made a difference. As I grow on my journey within witchcraft I am finding more peace. I have to admit.  If i hadn't been in a relationship with Dylan or Merrick I probably wouldn't have been at the Witchcraft/Metaphysical store. Never would have met the anonymous girl that set my life in a direction of peace.

Thank You Dylan, I love you and always will. Thank you for the gift of witchcraft.

Thank You Merrick, I still love you too. Thank you for the gift of introducing men to magic

Endoscopy tomorrow.

 I haven't been to a doctor in many many years and now I have an endoscopy procedure tomorrow.  

I owe that to Dylan.  When Dylan and I got married the first thing we did was get him onto my companies health insurance due to his many health issues, otherwise I never would have gotten myself health insurance and never would have visited a doctor much less had an endoscopy. 

Hopefully it will work out for the best.

Leatherman

2023 gave me a chance to truely  reconnect with my Leather past. When I was in my late teens I met an amazing man. Yes he was several years older but I loved him. Perry was a Leatherman and a rough and hard Top, not that common for a Vietnamese gay man in the 80's.  I was in love with him. We were together for a few years. Unfortunately for what was also common for the 80s gay community and which hit the leather community pretty hard was AIDS and it took Perry from me. Perry introduced me to leather, a community I am still proud to be a member of. 

Over the years I have always remained part of the leather community but also remained on the mostly in the BDSM Kink Community.

I was honored to serve for a few years as the LADs Liaison and Representative to the Los Angeles Leather Coalition. It was a privilege when Master George invited me to be part of the security and dungeon monitor teams at the Los Angeles Leather HEAT conference for the few years that event occured.  I always felt it was an honor being the security at the Southern California Leather Gathering every year prior to COVID and my move to Arizona. 

Now in Arizona it is not only a privilege and an honor to be a member of the Arizona Men of Leather but has been an enriching experience from the friends I have made to the events I have been able to participate in that have helped strengthen the club but also helped us, as a group, to help LGBTQIA groups, Like Arizona's only grouphome/fosterhome for LGBTQIA youth who have been abandoned by their families or who have escaped abuse by their families. 

I am proud to be a Leatherman and a member of the Leather Community 

Saving lives.... 151th Donation.

 Some people know. Many don't  I have regularly donated Plasma. I have gone to different plasma centers over my life. I think this is one of the only constants in my life. I first began in 2001. Over the last 23 years i have probably donated over 1000 times. at 800ml a donation. With the current agency I just made my 151 st Donation of plasma. 

I was just thinking. If I had taken my life in December... If I hadn't met Baddie that night for coffee. Then I wouldn't be able today to continue to save lives. 

I don't have much to offer, unemployed and homeless, but I can still offer my plasma to save lives.

New focus in Life...

 I can't believe that I had recently actively taken steps tonend my life or that I had future plans to do so. Yes, I still love Dylan Sarette and wish that he and I could make peace with each other. I still hope that one day he can forgive me for my failures as I forgive him.  But Witchcraft has given me a new purpose in life. As I reject both extremes. the restrictive White Witchcraft  and the wild untamed Dark Witchcraft and embrace Grey Witchcraft.  I also need to find where I will dedicate my practice. I have chosed the diety Aphroditus.  The mythology is not clear. Some scholars say that Aphroditus is the Transgender manifestation of Aphrodites (which I believe) while others say that Aphroditus is Hermophroditos the offspring of Aphrodites and Hermes, which I do not believe. I believe that by dedicating myself to Aphroditus, who I believento be a FTM diety I can move forward in my craft while honoring my relationship and marriage to Dylan(Ukai) even while it has ended and my relationship with Merrick(Temprace) even though that too has ended. 

Both Dylan and Merrick taught me a lot. I am in love with Dylan and I loved Merrick and while both are no longer part of my life. I can still honor the happiness they brought into my life when they were part of it.

I am so happy that one witch took the time to talk to a stranger who she felt was in depression and possibly in crisis. I have has no thoughts of self harm since that evenings meeting and cleansing and have just found more joy and more purpose in the development of my craft and growth in my journey.

 

What Kind of Witch.

 I was talking to a friend yesterday, who is a witch and practices Wicca, they asked me what kind of witchcraft or what kind of witch am I going to be. They explained that their are white witches and black witches. Witches that only do good withcraft like protection and healings and other witches that do curses and hexes. Or more basically witches that cast spells that benefit others or spells that harm others.

I have been doing some studying  and have come to the conclusion that I am a grey witch.  A witch that will focus more on helping others by casting protectuons spells and healing spells but at the same time. If it needs to be done I would not shy from doing a containment spell or maybe even using a curse to stop a bad person. 

I do not want to limit myself. I want to explore the full range of the craft. I also don't want to just limit myself. Some people use European practices while others use South American, Asian or African traditions. I want to embrace a full range of magickal traditions. 

I have also neen looking at some of the dieties. Most of the common ones seem to be very gender and hetronormative. From my experience and from my viewpoint I want to focus more on queer and transgender dieties in my practice of witchcraft. 

Rhe use of magic and Witchcraft has completely transformed my life from the depression and dispair of a few days ago to excitement and calmness I am not feeling.

I wush there was a may I could thank the young lady from the crystal store I went to over weekend that totally transformed my life over night.

Calm and Relaxed. Amazing

I am at inner peace. It us Amazing what yesterday has brought for me. I always respected the witchcraft or Wiccan beliefs of my former partners. I have always belueved in the craft but always held that was their path and I had mine. Since my experience yesterday I have a whole new perspective. I hope that as I journey down the path of witchcraft that I find what works for me and that one day I can to help someone as I was helped.

Therapy didn't help, infact I think it made it worse. Prayer didn't seem to work. Magic and Witchcraft worked. 

Wish that my past partners who were either into witchcraft or practiced Wicca had done this with me. This definitely encourages me on ny studies of the craft and encourages me more srrongly to embrace the craft which ever path or tradition I ultimately follow.

#Witchcraft, #Magic, #Magical, #Magickal, #Witch, #Sorcery, #Peace, #Wiccan, #Wicca, #Adam Kratt, #craft, #Peace, #Therapy, #Psychology,  #Mental Health, 

Wow, Amazing Witchcraft Depression to calmness

My brakes had began to grind.  I was able to come up with the money to get pads and a rotor. Now the brakes are working great again.

But... that isn't the amazing thing that happened. After I left from getting my brakes done when I was on my way home I decided to stop by one of those stores that sells crystals, sage and other magical items for the use in Witchcraft and in Wiccan practices. Not really expecting to buy anything,  as I don't have any money. Nut Just to window shop and for the memories, both Merrick(Temprace) and I and Dylan (Ukai) and I would go to these stores occasionally.  I have also for the past few weeks began studying and learning about Wiccan practices and witchcraft. As I was about to leave this young lady probably in her late 20's who was also leaving with her purchases brushed up against as I held the door open for me she stopped and looked at be a bit oddly then went out the door and I began walking toward my car and I heard a voice behind me and turned and she asked me if I was okay. I said I was... but she was persistent and said am I sure. I responded that life hadn't been the best recently. She asked if we could sit somewhere and talk, I didn't really have anywhere to go as I have been homeless for the past coupe weeks, so I agreed. We sat down and she asked if she could do a reading for me. she started with my hands looked at them for what seemed an eternity then while holding my hands looked in my eyes for a few moments. She then pulled out a deck of tarot cards and began shuffling them, she then did it a few more times just looking at the cards and re-dealing them and the re-shuffling and then re-dealing them.  She then looked at me and held out her hands again and took my hands looking intently into my eyes. She then said "Don't do it"... I said what... she looked at me and said. "I know you are hurting. I know that your partner left you. I know that you are having financial difficulties. I see big things happening very soon in your life. I see an old relationship resurfacing and I see your financial situation changing quickly in the near future". She then looked me in the eyes

again and said "you're a witch". I laughed and told her that studying witchcraft and learning about Wicca didn't make me a witch and that I was Jewish.  She said "No you are a witch" she then said on both sides of my family there were witches and that she senses potent magic in me. She then said "Why do you think you are drawn to witches?" That made me think. My three best friends here in Phoenix are all witches. all my slaves since I have my First two slaves Merrick(Temprace) and Lilith(Silat) are witches and my last slave who I also married Dylan(Ukai) is a witch. She then said that I had some curses. She asked me to trust her and she said she would be right back. When she came back she had a sage bundle and lit it and and started to wave it around my body starting at my head and working it down to my feet. She then pulled out this bag with some small muffins and told me to eat one of them. She then put her finger into a jar and rubbed, I think, oil on my forehead. She then pulled out a small cloth sack and put it on my hand and told me to keep it in my pocket. She then asked if I had any colored candles at home  I said I did she asked if any of them were red or black. I told her I had bought some a couple when spouse and I had spent the night at a hotel together but that we had never used them. she said when I got home I needed to create a sacred circle and told me how and to set the red and black candle in a pot with water tie a string around them and light them and let water extinguishe the candles, she then gave me a piece of paper with a spell to recite as i lit the candles. she then said I shoud get some Hyssop and take a bath in it and handed me a puece of paper with something else to recite. I had some Hyssop from the same night with Dylan that I had the candles for.

I got home created the sacred circle lit the red and black candle  recited the spell and then ran a bath and put the hyssop in the water as it was filling up and recited the phrase on the second piece of paper then went back to the candle and watched them as the candle burnt down until it burned to the level of the water and then climbed into my bath and recited the phrase again and lay in the water until it was no longer warm. I realized as I was getting out of the bath that my anger was gone, my depression was gone. That I looked forward once again to the days coming and that I no longer wanted to end my life. The negativity is gone. The dispair is gone. The sorrow is gone.

I am now more eager to study Witchcraft and to learn about Wicca. I day that started with great pain and sorrow. A day that began with anxiety, sadness and depression now has peace and calmness

#Wicca, #Wiccan, #witchcraft, #Curse, #magic, #Magickal,  #Sorcery,  #Tarot, #Hyssop, 

Growing Guilt I am homeless and lied about it.

 I have been lying to my friends. I told my friends that my roommates gave me 30 days to move out. The truth is that I have been living in my car since December 26th 2023 except for the 3 days that Evelyn and Novah rented me an Airbnb. I lied to not only Evelyn and Novah and told them I was back at my house but to Lizzie and to other friends. I didn't want to be a burden to them. The truth is... is that I have no place but to sleep in my car right now. I was going to give up my car because without a job I can not afford the insurance or car payment but now it is my home so I have no choice but to spend money that I don't have to keep it road worthy. 

I don't know how they would react but what can I do. I have already been to much of a burden on them.

My family has rejected me, my husband Dylan wants nothing to do with me... how can I now jeopardize their friendship by being a leach and burden.

How can my life have become overturned so quickly. just over a month ago I had a fairly decent Job. I had a husband who I had great sex with and was able to give multiple orgasms to rather simply. I had lived in my friends nice home with a roof over my head. While today I can't even get a day labor job. My husband has abandoned and ghosted me and I am sleeping in my car.

Is this what my life amounts to? Is this how I will be remembered as a broken down and pathetic looser?

Dylan Sarette

Dylan Sarette, My Love. Dylan, I ask your forgiveness. Dylan Sarette, I apologize for everything I did wrong in our relationship. I love you, Dylan Sarette. I wish there was a way that I could show you. Dylan, I wish I had one more chance. I love you with all my heart. I was unworthy of you. You captured my heart. My soul belongs to you Dylan. I wish I had not allowed my fear of being in the beginning to have affected our relationship. I remember the times that you and I made love. I remember the times when I would give you multiple orgasm from oral. remember our fire play together. The times we spend at Evelyn's and the times we spent at the hotels. I remember the Japanese Garden together with you. I remember getting our septums pierced together. I remember the day we signed our marriage license. I know you hate me today. I hope one day you will forgive me. I just hope it happens before I am gone.  I love Dylan Sarette with all of my heart. I am in such pain and sorrow with out you. The last days of my life will forever be days of agony and dispair. You my love are worth more than I could ever express. 

#Dylan Sarette, #Adam Kratt, 

Death is Near for Me

 I was going to wait until Rosh Chodesh Adar I to end my life. I was hoping that I could suffer the pain and agony long enough to be able to talk to if not see my friend Baddie. In December I was on my way to kill myself but I had made a promise to Baddie that I had a taxidermy skull for him for his collection. By keeping that promise we met for coffee and his kindness and his energy gave me hope enough to live. My depression at the time was to much for him. He didn't want to keep in contact with me. We agreed if I got counseling I could contact him in February.  I was hoping to be able to speak with him and hopefully meet for coffee. I went to counseling according to the counselor I was depressed and that writing a journal would help. They were supposed to read it and get back to me. I haven't heard from them besides the first few telesessions and they haven't been available when I have tried to contact them. To be honest. I don't think I will be making it to February.  Right now Rosh Chodesh Shevat, January's New Moon is looking very enticing of a day to end it. 

I am sorry to everyone that I am to weak and to pathetic to survive. Only one person could save me. That one person is my beloved Dylan. Unfortunately today Dylan hates me. He will not text, take calls or anything and he has blocked me on social media. 

Dylan, you have captured my heart and have ownership of my soul. I can not live without you. 

I wish you the most happiest life. I hope that you can find someone who is worthy of you. I will have to take my life rather than live without you. You took my power. With you I became powerless. 

I love you Dylan. I have loved you with all of my heart. More than I have ever loved anyone. It is true that I haven't loved many people in my life. But of those I have loved, I loved you the most. I wish that you could find it in your heart to forgive me.  

It is time for me to go. I am no longer of any benefit to anyone. One of the others that I loved, Merrick, won't even talk to me. Others I at one time cared about, like Phil and Lynx also want nothing to do with me. 

I am sure that some shrink could mouth salad a way to try to convince me it isn't my fault. It is. even if Merrick and Phil would never tell and shut me out and ghosted me. Even though I promised Dylan if he would give me a chance I would work harder to make him happy he ultimately Ghosted me too. 

There is nothing to look forward to. Rosh Chodesh Shevat is looking very inticing as the day to end my life. I will try to make it to Rosh Chodesh Adar 1. Perhaps something before that date will give me a reason to live.. but for now Rosh Chodesh Adar1 in February is the end of the line. But... Maybe I will chose to hit the emergency stop button on January's New Moon. 

I am so worthless and pathetic. 

#Adam Kratt, #Dylan Sarette,  #Merrick Maakestad, #Phillabuster, #Temprace, #Ukai, #Noya, #Kane, #Tr0phycat, #Gucci.Gudatama, #Gucci, #Gudatama, #Dylan, #Sarette, #Adam, #Kratt, #Kyra Sarette, #Tara Maakestad, #Kyra, #Tara, #Phil Turncliff, #Phoenix, #Arizona, #Buckeye, #Surprise, #Chandler, #Gilbert, #BDSM, #Kink, #M/s, #D/s, #LGBT, #LGBTQIA,  #Jewish, #Queer, #Leatherman, #APEX, #Transgender, #Transmasc, #Suicide, #Suicidal, #Wiccan, #Wicca, #Pagan, #Witchcraft, #gay, #Fetlife, #PTSD, #Depression, #Love,