altar is growing

 

Adultery is a crime in Arizona..

 Who knew that adultery is actually still a criminal offense in the State of Arizona.  It js a misdemeanor and the adulterer can get 30 days in jail and probation. I wonder if Sasha Sioni has ever wondered how it woukd feek to be criminally charged and locked up for having sex with another man's spouse...

Beginnings of a working Altar

 Beggining to see my Altar come together.

Si'lat, I owe you an apology

 Si'lat, when Dylan made those accusations.  I am sorry that I didn't belueve you when you denied them. I loved him and though he was being truthful.  As I see his current lies and false accusations I understand that he has been lying all along. I hope that you can forgive me.

Life is Good. working again

 Working again is great. It feels good to be productive once again. I am settling into being single once again. With the time that I have had and the contemplation that goes with that. I know I will miss Dylan, hopefully he will be happy.  I also came to realize how much I miss Merrick.  

It is time to look forward.While I had wonderful times with both Merrick and Dylan they have moved on in their lives. 

I came to Arizona to build a new life and I did that while having two great, in my opinion, relationships with two wonderful people. 

Both Merrick and Dylan made great impacts in my life. Mostly positive some negative.  But I greatly appreciate the relationships they offered me. 

Who knows what life will bring. 

Dylan Sarette, this is not good bye.

 Dylan, my love. I am saddened that our relationship and our marriage could not have ended as friends.

Dylan, I want you to know that I will always be here and available for you. It doesn't matter if it is day or night 2am or 2pm. I am only a phone call away. 

I hope that one day you will find this message. If you ever need me, I will be there. I have had this number for since 2001 and I have no plans to change it. I have had my ymail email for sunce 2001 and have no plans on changing it. 

Dylan, I am still in love with you! I will probably always be in love with you. 

Thank you for the wonderful memories.  I am sorry and apologize to you for not being the best husband and the best parner. I do hope that one day you will be able to forgive me and we can be friends again.

Love Always,

Adam.

Ready for work in the morning.

 Finally employed. Ready to start my new shift in the morning. Not the job I wanted nor the pay I wanted. At this time though... as the saying goes.. beggars can't be choosers.  

Finally Employed!

 Start a new job Monday. The pay is a lot less than I was making before but it is steady work for now until I can find something better. This week was a challenge though. wasn't able to pick up any day labor shifts. Thankfully there are ramen noodles otherwise I wouldn't have eaten this week. It is surprising that 1 ramen in the morning and 1 ramen in the evening can sustain someone. I will actually be able to have something to drink today besides water. After my plasma donation today, I will get $40, I am going to get a burger and a coffee, real food and a drink, and not a ramen and a water.

Being homeless and unemployed is a real struggle. Thankfully starting Monday I will have a job. Now... just got to focus on trying to find a place to sleep, sleeping in a reclined seat in your car gets old.

Wolf Moon tonight. Reminds me of Merrick

 Tonight is the first full moon of 2024 (Jan 25th) It reminds me of Temprace (Merrick). This is his night. His spirit animal is the wolf. I remember when we were together and we visited a metaphysical crystal store. There was a framed wolf spirit prayer.  Something called to me to get ut for him. I wasn't getting paid until the next day. I had just enough money to buy us dinner and to purchase that framed prayer. 

I remember his reaction. I miss Merrick. Merrick is such a pure soul. it was an honor to be his friend and to be his partner for the time that he allowed me in his life. I cherish the great memories he and I had. I have many sleepless nights wondering if he hates me or even even thinks of me 

I love you Merrick

Building the panteon of my craft.

 As I continue to develop and strengthen my witchcraft.  I want to continue to build my pantheon. I began with Aphroditus and then added Lakapati and then Hapi. Doing my reaearch I cane across another Goddess, Xochiquetzal, from pre European invasion of the Americas. The Aztecs worshiped a deity, Xochiquetzal, who was the goddess of non-procreative sexuality and love, and both female and male at the same time. In her male aspect, called Xochipilli, was worshiped as the deity of male homosexuality. 

My goal has been and will continue to be diverse and Queer. Aphroditus is from Cyprus, Lakapati from the Philippines, Hapi from Egypt and Xochiquetzal from Mexico. All three are depicted as both female and male and all four have been identified as either transgender or hermaphrodites. 

My goal is to not worship them as I am not a pagan, but to use their energy and what they represent to empower my witchcraft and magick.

Building my Craft and my own pantheon

 While Exploring my path and journey in witchcraft and magick I have already chosen Aphroditus and Hapi. My goal is to build a diverse pantheon while staying true to my goal.

In my research I found Lakapati from the Philippines.  Lakapati is the Harvest and Firtility Goddess in the Philippines.  she is dipicted with both female and male genitals and is given both male and female attributes.

traveling within witchcraft

Hapi my new addition to my magickal pantheon with Aphroditus.

 So previously I identified the transgender diety Aphrotidus the Greek FTM Diety as one of my energy and power sources for my Magick and Witchcraft.  I have decided on another Hapi from Egyptian mythology who is depicted as a male with with breasts. As I journey as a witch I am gathering a pantheon of dieties that are within the broader T classifications whether FTM (Goddesses that became male) or MTF (Gods that became female) or Dieties that were both or agender.

Most witches focus on gender specific dieties in their withcraft. I do not want to travel down that road. My introduction to withcraft was mainly from two partners, Dylan (Ukai) and Merrick (Temprace) both of which were Trangender.  In honor and love to those two beloved people. who made the most impact in my life.

I also like that in my own religion and culture God has no gender. while normally we refer to God as Adonai (Lord) and Melech (King) and Avinu (our fathe

r) God has no gender. Two names or titles for God are distinctively feminine. Both Shaddai and Shechinah are the feminine divine.  

Living on the street, homeless and without a job.

 Life is getting harder on the streets especially with no job. I was able to eat yesterday morning. I don't think I will get anything to eat today. With that said life is good. my car even with the massive oil leak is still running. My to big dream is that I can some how sit down and speak with Dylan (Ukai) and make peace with him and secondly to sit down with Merick (Temprace) and make peace with him... then my wish is to get a job and a place to sleep.

Health is improving...

 Today I am at 192 lbs, BP is at 112/72 with my heart at 82 bpm

a lot better then the beginning of December at 225 lbs, BP at 132/90 with my heart at 126 bpm...

I don't know what I am going to do...

 I wasn't able to get a day labor job today. I have a quarter tank of gas, 1 quart of oil, and 1 dollar to my name. 

Homeless and unemployed. not enough gas to get anywhere to get food for the day. 

Surprisingly... I am not depressed nor in dispair.  Since I have embraced witchcraft and the way of magick I have had no thoughts of self harm while my situation hasn't changed.

Now instead of being a homeless, unemployed Jewish Queer Cis Gay Man... I am a Homeless, Unemployed, Jewish, Queer, Cis Gay male witch... 

I still miss my husband Dylan, a Transmale witch. I hope and pray that his life is successful and that he is prosperous.  I hope that one day he will forgive me for my emotional shortcomings. 

I still miss Merrick, my former lover before Dylan, who i know is happily living his life with Phil. I wish both of them Happiness and success.

I am just reaching out to the universe... asking for help... to help me find a job and a place to lay my head and some food to sustain myself.

I am at a loss. I loved all my last partners from Dylan, Phil, Merrick, Lilith to Lynx. I never physically abused them. I know that emotionally I failed. Ir wasn't because I was indifferent it was because I was struggling inside from fear of inadequacy.

I am sorry that I failed all of you. Is this my punishment? 

Life's struggle continues

Being homeless while being unemployed really sucks. I never really understood. I have been homeless before, but I was employed,  I was still able to get food and once in a while get a motel room for a shower and rest.  Being unemployed and homeless at the same time is a challenge. Combine that with the30 to 40 degree nights here in Arizona. 

I hope that a job comes along so that at least I can get some food and buy a shower at a truck stop.

One if my biggest challenges is that to go out and look for a job means I usually miss when most places serve a free meal and the couple times i got a job from one of the day labor places I had to forgo a meal so that I could try to get to the job while a few of the jobs refused me, being homeless it is hard to get a shower or get your clothing washed.

I hope I get a job soon.  I hope I can get a hot meal soon. i hope I can get a shower soon. I hope I can get a warm bed for at least one night soon. 

Somehow I feel I am getting punished for something... just wish I knew for what.

I hope that Dylan is doing well and that he will find it in his heart to forgive me one day. I am sorry Dylan for not being fully emotionally available during our relationship. I was still mourning my sisters death and I was still healing from Merrick leaving me. I am sorry I tried to kill myself. Please forgive me. I love him and I fear that he hates me and will never forgive me.

Wish we had explored together..

 It has been amazing to see and feel how witchcraft and magic has made a difference for me. I wish that I had started this journey before. With both My last partner, Dylan, being a practicing witch and with previous one, Merrick,  also practicing magic... makes one wonder if we had studied and practiced magic together would be have grown closer.

I will probably never know as both of them have decided cut me from their lives.

I will say that the craft has made a difference. As I grow on my journey within witchcraft I am finding more peace. I have to admit.  If i hadn't been in a relationship with Dylan or Merrick I probably wouldn't have been at the Witchcraft/Metaphysical store. Never would have met the anonymous girl that set my life in a direction of peace.

Thank You Dylan, I love you and always will. Thank you for the gift of witchcraft.

Thank You Merrick, I still love you too. Thank you for the gift of introducing men to magic

Endoscopy tomorrow.

 I haven't been to a doctor in many many years and now I have an endoscopy procedure tomorrow.  

I owe that to Dylan.  When Dylan and I got married the first thing we did was get him onto my companies health insurance due to his many health issues, otherwise I never would have gotten myself health insurance and never would have visited a doctor much less had an endoscopy. 

Hopefully it will work out for the best.

Leatherman

2023 gave me a chance to truely  reconnect with my Leather past. When I was in my late teens I met an amazing man. Yes he was several years older but I loved him. Perry was a Leatherman and a rough and hard Top, not that common for a Vietnamese gay man in the 80's.  I was in love with him. We were together for a few years. Unfortunately for what was also common for the 80s gay community and which hit the leather community pretty hard was AIDS and it took Perry from me. Perry introduced me to leather, a community I am still proud to be a member of. 

Over the years I have always remained part of the leather community but also remained on the mostly in the BDSM Kink Community.

I was honored to serve for a few years as the LADs Liaison and Representative to the Los Angeles Leather Coalition. It was a privilege when Master George invited me to be part of the security and dungeon monitor teams at the Los Angeles Leather HEAT conference for the few years that event occured.  I always felt it was an honor being the security at the Southern California Leather Gathering every year prior to COVID and my move to Arizona. 

Now in Arizona it is not only a privilege and an honor to be a member of the Arizona Men of Leather but has been an enriching experience from the friends I have made to the events I have been able to participate in that have helped strengthen the club but also helped us, as a group, to help LGBTQIA groups, Like Arizona's only grouphome/fosterhome for LGBTQIA youth who have been abandoned by their families or who have escaped abuse by their families. 

I am proud to be a Leatherman and a member of the Leather Community 

Saving lives.... 151th Donation.

 Some people know. Many don't  I have regularly donated Plasma. I have gone to different plasma centers over my life. I think this is one of the only constants in my life. I first began in 2001. Over the last 23 years i have probably donated over 1000 times. at 800ml a donation. With the current agency I just made my 151 st Donation of plasma. 

I was just thinking. If I had taken my life in December... If I hadn't met Baddie that night for coffee. Then I wouldn't be able today to continue to save lives. 

I don't have much to offer, unemployed and homeless, but I can still offer my plasma to save lives.